I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
