i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
