How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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