I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
