census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
