i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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