The maid of honor just puked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
