When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
