our cab driver is having phone sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
