I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
