Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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