If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
