3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Randomize
