Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
