You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
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Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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