He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
