i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
