i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
