Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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