dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
