I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
