no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
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There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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