My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
