i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
