Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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