I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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