a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
