Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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