I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
