I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
