youre lurking in front of me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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