I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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