I will die if light touches me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
