The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
