My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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