the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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