my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
did you just send me my own nude
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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