Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
