well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
