Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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