I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.