i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
