Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
