What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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