I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
