oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
