Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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