the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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