Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
