How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
