I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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