im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
