he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
