Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just invented taco cereal.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
