so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
