I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
