You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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