I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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