I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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