just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wear drunk well.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
