apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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