I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
